I Opened My Front Camera and Almost Hated What I Saw

A scroll, a filter, and a fight against capitalism’s favorite lie

I was scrolling on instagram as one does. Isn’t it crazy that scrolling has become a norm now. One hour scrolling is just meh - not a problem - some shitty entertainment - a mere distraction. Everyone I know scrolls. Almost everyone. Blessed are the people who don’t. I have tried to quit many times. Went cold turkey. Got a flip phone. But everytime, I keep coming back to it like my life depends on it. The guilt is enormous but still havent been able to fully quit.

Anywho, I was scrolling on instagram for research purposes. Shit, why are you justifying it now? I feel guilty for doing it when I know its bad for my mental health. Then stop doing it. Ughh. My will power is not strong enough yet. Then stop feeling guilty about it. Own it that you are knowingly doing something that is harmful for you. Own it that you are self sabotaging your mental peace. Maybe let’s just suppress the guilt and move forward. I dont have the bandwidth to resolve this right now - says every addict who does not want to stop.

Ughh. Why did I start writing?

Okay. Third time is the charm.

I was scrolling on instagram and went to my explore page and scrolled for a minute without opening any post. My algorithm sends me a lot of female content creators. A lot of pretty girls on my explore page. All the girls looked gorgeous. Perfect. Camera perfect. Instagram perfect. They had done their hair, put on makeup. Maybe also put some filters too. Even when I do makeup, I do not look this perfect in real life, in front of a camera.

Then I opened my front camera. I looked nothing like those pretty girls. I looked like me. Flat hair. Just woken up. Swollen face. Skin with texture. Real me. The urge to put on a filter was strong. With one right swipe, all the texture and pigmentation is gone and I can look somewhat instagram perfect. But I stopped myself. This time, who knows what the future me will do. For now, the willpower to stay authentic has grown to be stronger than seeming perfect.

I did not feel perfect and that’s what I said in my story - there is no perfect. Perfect is a big fat lie. Instagram perfect is a big fat lie.

Now, when I looked at the perfect girls, I compared my beauty to theirs. A ten second video looks efortless on the screen but it must have taken her hours to get ready before shooting that ten seconds video. How can I compare my woken up face to someone’s with full make up on?

You might think - Arsh, why compare at all?

Well, If I was a saint who stopped comparing against human nature, then why would I be scrolling on instagram? Make it make sense, mate?

For a minute, I was dissappointed that I did not look perfect and I bet most of girls have felt that.

The beauty industry is running on our dissappointment.

If we started loving our hairy arms, our belly pouch and our aging skin - how will they make money?

They benefit from our comparison. They benefit when we do not like our reality. How will capitalism profit if we started loving ourselves - the way we are?

So, if you are against capitalism like me - we have one more reason to love ourselves. We have one more reason to be kinder to ourselves. We have one more reason to not compare ourselves.

It’s not something we can do all at once - but we can slowly catch ourselves. Catch the loop of comparison and reason with it.

I beleive, our brains are not inherently against us. They have been trained to hate ourselves to benefit the capitalism. But we can retrain them. Neuroplasticity, my friend. Lets goo!!!

We can train our brains by reasoning with it. Brains are basically logic, right? and what does logic listen to?

Reason.

So, reason with your brain and train it to be on your side. Now, to answer how to reason with the brain.

Well,

First, you need to catch yourself in toxic loops.

For example:- when you are about to put on a filter to appear perfect, ask yourself - why are you doing this? If the brain answers - to appear perfect in front of other people. Then you remind yourself - I do not do anything to please other people. If your brain lies and comes up with excuses - Keep asking until your brain is honest. Don’t get fooled by the excuses that agree to put the filter on. The excuses are just fear wearing a nice outfit. Authenticity over perfection.

AUTHENTICITY OVER PERFECTION!!!

I also created a confidence journal to train my brain to like myself, catch these toxic loops and reason with them. I stopped using it because I thought- yay! I am fixed. But the patterns are coming back again. You must have noticed - how desperate I have been. Ewww. no offence but that is not the Arsh I was last summer. That eww was not kind at all. I am learning again to be kinder to myself and reason with my brain. The confidence journal is being a BIG help because the guided prompts make it easy for me to challenge myself. You can check it out on my website.

Thank you for reading. I am grateful that in this world of instant gratification, you read!

Until next time,

XOXO

Arsh Kaur

Arsheverest.com

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